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Dead yet Alive.

Sometimes, I sit and think about who will mourn on my death day, but after realizing that my value as a person is not counted among the people around me, that’s when I stopped thinking about it. The past few years of my life made me notice that a person cannot be declared dead by not breathing but also by not being treated as a human being, by that i am talking about being disrespected, belittled, unvalued, unloved, seen as a failure, taken advantage of, others only needing from you and not being there for you when in-need and any other emotional abuse one can think of. Emotional intelligence is something that not every person have but few. There are times whereby you find people talking about a certain person doing certain things by judging how the person behave or physical appearance without really investigating in order to find out why the person is like that until they conclude. These past years, most people who are close to me or the ones that I regard as family (by blood only) have never asked me a personal question regarding work, friends or life and that is painful for me but as always I shake it off and move on. When in pain, sad, ill, needing help, seeking attention (good), asking for a hug just to feel loved, they do not notice anything. There was a time I asked for a hug from a person whom I though will never deny me a hug, my thoughts were wrong. Life experiences are different but Love is not different and in order for a person to live and feel alive, Love must be given and felt. in this case those close to you just keep on showing you how much they care about you but deep down they know they don’t even yet make it obvious that you know and feel it too. Love and kindness are both free which means they must be given freely without any expectations of something in return. Being deprived of such things can kill a person emotionally and eventually the flesh also dies. In the new generation the most valuable things are not those that can uplift a person’s well-being but only those that are seen by everyone ( materialistic). It hurts to be alive but deep down you are dead. Few people who are strong enough to counsel themselves from doing the unthinkable to their lives but most of the unfortunate ones end up dead because of how unloved they feel. A person is always smiling, show kindness and greet every person met on the road, most of them think that he/she is living the best of life because misery is not displayed on that person’s face and to them that person is alive. Little do they know that the same person who display all that is dead inside yet alive.

I Love You, But it’s a just words.

We were both heart broken, or so i thought. He said that he wants to start something new with me, truth is he just wanted to play games and mess with my heart. Well i can say that he succeeded because i gave in easily just because i am the one in love with him and us.

” my heart needs to be mend and i cannot do so unless you are by my side” Those were the exact words that came out of your mouth. Bad thing is i did not know that this whole time all you were doing was keeping me close in order to do what you cannot do because she is far, you two had a misunderstanding or whatever the reason was.

I begged you for the truth as if i want to be the only one in the relationship, you said that what you said is what the truth is. Wow! How soft can my heart be to let go and just continue as if everything is okay? Can love make a person so blind that i chose to ignore the truth and move on with the lies? My my my, How sweet can lies be that our love depended on all the lies you have started it with? I love you meant something when i say it to you but  when you say it to me it felt as if i am in a vacuum that will be there until my last breath.

My thoughts for you are full of love, yet I love you is just some words to you that you used to play your game with me until you see it fits till the moment you realized it’s time up.

I am alone, yes and I am happy.

You said that i will end up with nothing if i leave you but you ended up wrong because you were the best that i have. truth is i was the best you had until the moment you realized that you are losing me forever.

I love you, but i’ts just a game.

Turned your game around and made you realize that you were playing all alone.

Now you want to join my circle but there is no space for you.

I still care and hope the best for you but right now it’s time to be with those that knows and understand that I love you is something meaningful and heart warming.

” When i said that i love you, i meant it with all that i have” Not just words to make you smile or make me you toy.

Now you want to tell me that you love me but you forgot that it’s only words to you.

I love you, and i meant it. Too bad it’s too late.

“I love you, but it’s just words”

Invisible till Visible

Every person have that special person who will make everything seem alright no matter how hard the trials they are going through is. I know that i am not the first person to ever fall in love but when it happened to me, i swear that it felt as if i am the only one.

He was all that i wished and dreamed of, our emotions were stronger than the Sea waves, deeper than the ocean itself. I love you was our best line, the emotions were not only visible to us but to every place we felt them.

Something about him made my world seem like a fairy tale or a romance movie on Hallmark.  Then he left.

Apparently when we say certain words we should always be careful to who we say them because end of the day they might come back and haunt us. I told myself that the moment he said that he loved me and he is not leaving because i am his forever but one thing i know for sure is that i felt Invisible even though I was Visible.

Years went by without any type of communication and yes i did get over it and by that i meant to say us. i rebuild all the broken pieces of my heart, put my soul back into place and my mind into a new way of thinking. The best feeling i have ever had since the last time i felt like a corpse, reborn is the word that can describe that feeling and yes it felt like an electric shock that rejuvenated every single muscle in my body and it made me feel alive. I was Invisible but that moment made me visible.

Now that i am happy without him, I am Visible.

 

Love, What is Love?

I once’s felt you but now you are hard to find

You were once my companion, yet the enemy of my soul.

We shared every detail of each other’s lives, yet disappointments got the best of us.

I asked you for time so that we can settle but all you did was take all the time that i had.

Kindness does not exist in your world even though i tried to introduce it to us.

We were a team yet i felt all alone but you were not worried because you saw happiness in me, i got it from my loneliness.

You say I love you and all that i hear is I hate you.

We were in love yet we were apart and nothing proved we were in love.

We both had demons, we entangled them but i ended up making yours mine and you letting mine remain mine.

Selfishness came like an ocean wave, washing off all the dirty stains yet stuck .

You felt my heart beat as it is when i lay in your chest, all you do is ask if i am about to have a heart attack.

I tell you that no, it’s the Love in me that makes it beat fast.

Once more again, ‘ What is love?’

Silence is all that i got from your mouth.

What is love?

Deep Thoughts

Life as i know have no mercy on any one. young, old, rich or poor. it treats each and everyone of us differently but separated times and occasions.

I know a lot of people who wish they had a life guidance in order to avoid death, accidents, mistakes , heartbreaks and most of all to always be right and nothing to worry about. The bad news is, we all do not know where it is or where to find it.

Sunday after church, i went back to the bible and started reading the verses that the Pastor read to us. Over and over i read them trying to make sure that i understand every word and sentence in it. After all the reading and understanding, I asked myself a question ” What if this book is the Life Guidance Manual?” Guess what my answer was, Yes!

The reasons for that is the way i understood the verses applied to my daily life and cycle. For example Psalm 23, it is a protection prayer and all that is said in it reflects to life or our daily living routine. The big problem is that not a lot of people know or acknowledge that the Bible is our daily life guidance book, very few people do and those ones are considered the lucky ones.

Well, I am about to knock off and go continue reading my daily life manual.

You Should Try It, No Disappointments.